It's Midnight and I
by Nikkolettiana
Summary: Roderick's a screw-up. That's what everyone thinks, even if they won't say it out loud. Roderick has no future. So what happens when he starts to write a journal? A journal that says what he really thinks? Who would have thought that this plain little black spiral notebook would change so many things? Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Midnight and I (Roderick)

Chapter One

Everyone's asleep right now. I think. It's about eleven and I'm not even tired.

Hello, I'm Roderick, the insomniac.

This, this is normal. I don't sleep much, not really, don't need to. Who needs sleep when you've got caffeine? Believe me, I've tried, yeah, I've laid in the dark for hours staring up at the ceiling and nothing has happened. I don't know what I was expecting. A miracle, maybe? That's probably what it would take.

Hello, I'm Roderick, the screw-up.

Was late getting home again today, Mom was pissed. Whatever. It doesn't matter. A year more and I'll be out of here. She doesn't know it, but I'm going to college. Got my UCLA acceptance letter in the mail months ago, scholarship pending, to be a medical engineer. Yeah, I've got secrets, plenty of them. Kinda wish I could tell her sometimes, you know? Tell them I'm not the nightmarish problem child they think I am. That I have a future beyond living in the attic forever. Wish I could tell them about college, maybe even about Bea…

Bea is…different. Don't think this is me being a sap, because that's just not me. I'm not madly in love with her. I don't dream about marrying her, or having a family with her, even sleeping with her. No, that's not how I roll. Besides, she's too classy for any of that, she's not with my group. Not one of those trashy girls who listen to my music and wear lingerie instead of clothes. She's never spoken to me. Her locker is across from mine, has been since sixth grade. I've kept an eye on her, but never said anything. This person I am at school, Roderick the ladies' man, Roderick the jerk, she wouldn't be impressed, no. She's got too much respect for herself, and what she's going to do with herself. Don't tell anymore (ha, of course you won't), but I'm jealous of the people who have her in their lives.

She's not tall, not really short. She's not stick thin or anything, hardly anything glamorous or spectacular. Her hair's an unassuming shade of dark brown, skin a bit darker than average, extraordinary brown eyes. She's Spanish, Mexican I think, I met her in eighth grade when the teacher assigned her to be my Spanish tutor. Man, can she ever speak the language. It made me want to learn just so I could hear her tell me I was doing good, or maybe just so I could sound like that.

Look at me, practically drooling over her. Now, this is the first time I've ever tried something like this. Diaries are for girls, that's what I said to my brother. Girls with sob stories. Here I am, with this plain black spiral notebook, spilling my guts. It's good, really, sharing the secrets I can't tell anyone else. There was one, here's another.

I hate the band. Always have. There, I said it. The music, the people, the crowd that comes with it, none of it's what I want. But that's not important, not a bit. It's just something I do to find a space. High school sucks, plain and simple, but it's easier when people think you're bad. They don't mess with you, not to your face. It's convenient, to say the least.

So I'm failing all my classes. How did a screw –up like me get into a college like UCLA? It's complicated, like everything else. Truth is I'm not out partying or anything like that, like my mom thinks. I've got two part-time jobs. One at the diner, Angie's, one at a hole in the wall music store downtown. Calls itself Nameless, or, at least, the employees do. Truth is, the owner never gave it a name before they died. They died a while ago, no one's quite sure what happened. Anyway, on to why the jobs are needed. I'm taking a couple of online courses for college already, got a few associate's degrees. Decided it would look good on my application.

College…is a touchy subject with my parents. They don't think I'm going. They don't really think I'll amount to anything, not that they would say that to my face.

Alright. This is getting dangerously close to an emotional, girly sob story. I'm going to stop now. Before I turn into Greg.

Later.


	2. Chapter 2

Midnight and I Chapter Two

Have you ever thought about dying?

It was the topic that found itself in my head when I went into homeroom on Monday, making small talk with some stoner in the same class. Something about the band. Feel kinda guilty, I don't even remember.

But really. Death is in almost everything people think I do. The group I'm in, the songs we sing and listen to, even our clothes and makeup. Death. Death. Death. No wonder so many of us die young. What you think about is what you'll get. Well, it was a random thought anyway. I brushed it off not too long after it crossed my mind. Random thoughts like that, they come up all the time. Most of the time I forget them five minutes later. Don't really know why this one stuck for so long.

I paid for the thought much, much more than it was worth. Mrs. Lainsworth, my teacher, already hates me. She uses every opportunity she has to get me into trouble. Gave me detention for having my head in the clouds. Whatever. I'm not going. What does she think she's going to do?

Today was more or less uneventful. Mom nagged me about cleaning my room, Greg and his little boyfriend came over to play games. They're both annoying, less so when they aren't together.

Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of annoying, Miranda tried to make yet another play on me today during Trig. Climbed right into my lap, broke the zipper of my jeans open and went for the gold. I shoved her off, of course, but not before Bea saw.

Funny how she keeps popping up in my thoughts, isn't it? The girl hates me, looks down on me through her expensive sunglasses with that haughty look of distain. I'm not even sure why it really bothers me…Her group is just that way to everyone, even each other. I'm not sure why that look bothered me so much today.

It just did. I didn't like her thinking of me that way, not one bit.


	3. Chapter 3

Midnight and I Chapter Three

Really, seriously thought about skipping school today. Everything just seemed kind of dull, blurred. I think I'm catching a cold.

It's getting colder outside. Winter will be here before anyone knows it. With Christmas comes relatives, and with relatives comes the greatest annoyance known to man. My Aunt Carol. Jesus Christ I want to kill her or something she's so annoying it burns me to be in the same room.

I think I'll run away for the holidays. Spend them at Angie's, with my little adopted family.

They're an interesting bunch, the employees of Angie's diner. There are six of us total, two chefs and four waiters and we all have our stories. The head chef is Bernard, thirty years old and a culinary school graduate. He went through a lot to pay for the school, that's all I'm going to say. His partner and fellow cook is Jean, a quiet Hispanic man. Bea's older brother, actually. I don't know much about him, but he's always there for us. Jelly (Jennifer at birth) , top waitress, is five feet two inches and ninety pounds of pure determination. She's twenty-one years old and the best friend I could ever have. She just looks clean cut, no piercings or anything, hair a natural dirty blonde and eyes piercingly blue. I tell her everything.

There's another girl, Amy, but she doesn't talk. Can't. She was in a car accident about a year ago and the owner didn't have the heart to fire her. Her boyfriend works here too, Ryan, and he's a close friend too. She's pretty, at least to me, even if the scars cover her face so horrifically. He's always kind to her. You can tell by the way he looks at her that he thinks she's beautiful. Good for him, because if he did anything other than treat her like a princess, Bernard and I would dispose of him quickly and efficiently.

And then there's me.

Amy, she was "talking" to me today, (we were passing notes, okay?) about writing a bit. It's true, I like to write sometimes, more short descriptions than anything. I draw sometimes, too, but that's not important. She told me that the best way to figure myself out would be to describe myself.

I told her I didn't think I could.


	4. Chapter 4

Midnight and I Chapter Four

I am ridiculously excited right now. Just. It's like I'm looking at the world with rose-colored glasses, everything just seems brighter and happier. It's been the most amazing day today it's hard to sit still and write. I did wind up cutting class today, to go to Angie's, and god am I ever glad I did.

I got there and started the morning dishes (It was my turn) only to have Amy run up to me in an excited frenzy. Apparently she went out this morning into the alley to throw some trash out and found a family of cats living behind the dumpster. The mom ran off, leaving the kittens. Ryan let her keep them; take them back to their apartment. There are three of them, a boy and two girls, and she already loves them all half to death. They're little still, scarcely two weeks old, so she has to feed them every two hours. I spent the night over to help with them all and she promised me one. She named the boy and one of the girls already. Stephano, a sturdy little ginger tabby, is already huge compared to his sisters. The smallest is Rosie, the runt, but a patchy little puffball.

The other little girl is mine. I named her Lullaby and she's really just the sweetest thing ever. Her back is dark, tabby, stomach soft and white. Her eyes aren't open yet, none of them are, but…I love her already. It's like I can look into the future and see how life will be in the future. She'll come to college with me, of course, maybe be with me when or if I get married. She's just like a spark of hope…something for me to look forward to. As soon as she's weaned, Amy says I can have her. Wonder what Mom'll think of that…

Reflectively, I've no idea what to do about Bea. I don't even know if it's a relevant thought at all, but somehow when I look at little Lullaby I think about her being in the future she sparks the imagination of. After all, she's not and most likely never will be mine. It just…I've barely even talked to her and already the idea of us having a future together really seems to fit somehow. Like it was meant to be or some other sappy bit of crap like that.

On a less…disturbing note (maybe?), I've got to get to work on an essay for English. A speech, really. For once, it seems like a good idea to ace something and make it more interesting. It's meant to be my final paper of the term. For topics I'm thinking serial killer pathology, something interesting like that. Maybe Shakespeare, just to blow Lanthier's mind. I've got two weeks and I'm planning upon making the most of it.

On an even less disturbing note (depending upon who you are) I took the test to get into AP Calculus after school today. The teacher was humoring me, I expect, from the look on her annoyingly rodent like face when I asked. Pretty sure I got it all right anyway. That ought to stir some talking up in the teacher's lounge.

Going to go now, headed over to Jelly's to work in peace on my storyboard. Wish me luck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Midnight and I Chapter Five**

I get the kitten in two weeks. This is going to be the two longest weeks of my life, I swear. It's like time is slowing down just to piss me off. I literally just start bouncing like some sort of fag every time I even start to think about that little bundle of what I can only describe as love.

Lullaby almost knocked Bea out of my mind. Almost.

Lanthier heard about my testing for the Calculus, had me take some form of a pre-SAT. Needless to say I blew it away, got at least a hundred. I reckon the next English class I take will be AP for college credit. I'm already in AP Calculus, and the parents are just…blown away. Mom, she didn't notice when I said Amy was giving me the baby in two weeks.

Well, not for a minute or two at least.

Man, did I ever get read the riot act. Eventually, I did end up telling her it was a kitten and she calmed down quite a bit. Greg was incredulous, but he always is. Went and call that kid right away.

Anyway, back to Bea. She actually said something to me today that wasn't a snide comment or a masked insult. It was two words. In Calculus. Good job. And a hair toss.

I don't think I've ever been this completely over the moon in my life.

Miranda whined at me forever afterward, wanted to talk about 'our' future.

I didn't care. Not one bit. And when she tried to put her mouth where it didn't belong I shoved her away.

Bea saw it, too.


	6. Chapter 6

Midnight and I Chapter Six

Today was the most confusing day ever.

BUT I GOT MY KITTEN. I was so excited today when I went to work and saw Amy standing there with a little Build-a-Bear box with some quilt batting in it I could barely talk. Bernard let me leave early so I could take her home and get her settled in, do some cat-supplies shopping.

Let me tell you, she'll be the most spoilt little princess alive. I bought her a bed but she'll probably never need use it. She's got all sorts of toys and I actually cleaned my room so it would be safe for her.

Surprise, surprise, I didn't find any fossils. Or small, dead animals.

Mom was alright with it, surprisingly enough, just gave me the whole 'responsibility' talk.

Also, as a completely random thought, has anyone ever noticed that quotation marks usually do around things people don't really mean? I like to pretend the words are the shit and the quotations are flies. Which brings me back to why today was so confusing.

In AP English (I'm in, by the way) Bea was talking to one of her friends and when I walked into the room she actually said hello. Her friend made a comment on how I 'clean up good', around which you could literally hear the little quotation-mark flies buzzing, and Bea smacked her.

Why the hell did Bea smack her?

Sometimes I wonder if instead of brains, women have these compositions of gears that run their bodies with a super computer in the middle of it that just loves to confuse people. Just…the tyranny of the way they run their male counterparts is completely unfair.


	7. Chapter 7

Midnight and I Chapter Seven

Lullaby is the cutest thing ever. Just…she sleeps in a tiny little ball of puff. That's the only way to describe it.

Manny loves her, of course, and so does Mom. Dad's warming up to her, and Greg has said nothing. He wanted a dog.

So…his birthday is in a few days. I'll get him one. I've got enough money in savings that it shouldn't hurt plans too much. Jelly thinks it's a great idea, so it probably is. She's going to come with me. While I'm at it, I'll get Dad a Beta fish. Sturdy enough to live with him in the basement with all his little scale models and whatnot.

Oh, so you'll laugh (or you would, if you were a person). I took Lullaby to school today, just because I was afraid to leave her alone with my family. She was quiet the whole time, but Bea saw her try to climb out of my jacket pocket and onto my desk.

Great. She thinks I'm insane now.

Luckily, the teacher saw nothing. No one else saw anything. I hurried home. She comes with me every day now, though, and will until she's too big to fit in my backpack. I bring her to work, too, and Bernard doesn't mind a bit. Honestly, I think he's just happy Amy's happy again.

We all are.


	8. Chapter 8

Midnight and I Chapter Eight

There's something wrong with Amy.

No one will talk about it. She says she's fine. Everyone else, they know, she's told them, but she won't tell me and it's breaking my heart. She just wants to take care of me, look after me because she feels like I haven't been loved enough. She absolutely despises my family, the way my parents always put me down and put Manny on a pedestal. She came over once, just once, and she never wanted to come back.

Mom was rude to her, asked me what my intentions with her were and made a big show of telling me to keep my hands to myself.

I know I've built my image myself, and that I can't complain, but… it hurt a lot. That she thought I would do that, with her home even.

Greg's horrible now, spoilt and selfish. Everything everyone thinks I am. It's driving me insane.

But Amy just won't hear excuses. She and Ryan want me to come live with them. She and I were talking about it for a long time, about things like emancipation. My freedom.

I love my parents, and I love my brothers. Even if they hate me and wish I would disappear, I love them anyway. I always will. Those three words aren't something I just casually throw around.

Still haven't told Mom about the college thing, haven't brought it up at all. Dad, yesterday, he came home with military school pamphlets.

I'm scared. Going to go play with Lullaby, try to calm down, it usually works.

[[A/N: Ugh, school, sorry.]]


	9. Chapter 9

Midnight and I Chapter Nine

I cannot even believe I'm writing this down and it isn't a lie. Bea actually talked to me. During AP Physics, she turned and asked to compare notes, and started a whole new conversation. I really almost asked her if she was talking to someone else.

I made another new friend, on another fairly surprising note. She honestly reminds me of Lady Gaga, with her strange way of dressing and style, but she's one of the sweetest people I've ever talked to. She goes by Bebe, no idea if that's her real name, but…she's cool. A bit awkward at times, but only in the way that gives you the impression everyone was always mean to her. Like no one ever gave her a chance. Some of the idiots on the cheer squad backed her into a corner today and I pulled her right out.

She thinks it's adorable that Lullaby has been coming with me lately. She understands that I couldn't stand to leave her home with Manny about.

There's another girl, too, goes by Gumi, her real name is Ashley. She's Asian, very intelligent, very skinny, and very flashy. Her hair is bright green, and she wears pick contacts. Need I say more? Anyway, she's cool, and she says if I help her with English, she'll start helping me learn basic Japanese. It sounded good to me.

I'm going to bring college up tonight, I think. It turns out the pamphlets were for Greg, which is a major relief. The pressure if off, at least a little bit. I can relax now, and try to think of a good way to approach this. I forget sometimes that no one in my family knows I work, or what classes I'm in now. It's a little unnerving, the people closest to me not knowing the other people who are closest to me, or really me even. It's uncomfortable.


	10. Chapter 10

Midnight and I Chapter 10

Amy is in the hospital, and I have never been so scared in my entire life.

She wasn't at Angie's today, and Ryan said she was sick. Next thing any of us know, he's on the phone and frantic and running out the door and all I could do was chase after him and jump in the car.

She's in the ICU, after falling down the steps of their apartment building and breaking several ribs, as well as her arm. She's been in and out of being awake and I don't know what to do.

What if she dies? What if…what if she's gone?

I'm writing this from one of those uncomfortable, plastic chairs in the waiting room and I'm not leaving until she's alright again. Ryan's in with her and everyone else is sitting out here with me. It's almost midnight and I'm not home yet-

Man, am I going to get it.

On a lighter note, as an attempt to think about something else, Bea is talking to me even more. I told her about Lullaby and she thought it was cute. Or, at least, she said it was cute. She probably thinks I'm a freak. Still, she's tolerant of me enough to the point that in Chemistry (her one weak subject) she asked me for help with her work.

It occurs to me that I could be AP in this class too, but…She's there, so I won't change. It's completely worth it.

Bebe agrees with me on that one, even.


	11. Chapter 11

Midnight and I

Chapter 11

It's been a long time since I wrote, almost a month.

But she's going to be okay.

She's going to be okay and that's all I care about.

Amy's one of my closest friends, and there for a little while I was afraid she'd never give me a chance to tell her that.

I felt so guilty, that night, when I cried myself to sleep on Jelly's lap...

But I'd rather not remember that. Amy has strictly told me that I'm not to dwell on any of it, so here's some good news.

Bea is talking to me almost every day, and almost every day I swear she gets twice as beautiful as she was the last. We've been talking in between class, during class, during lunch...

That's right, during lunch. She works at Angie's now, because of her brother. I swear, he's my favorite person-or one of my favorite people-in the entirety of the world. We bus dishes together and spend most of the time talking. she told me about all of the shit Miranda's been talking about me, and I told how exactly none of it was true. Nothing like this has ever really made me so happy before.

My parents are feeling the change, and I'm pretty sure they think I'm on meth, or something of the sort. Mom was asking me about how school is going, since there's a parent conference coming up soon.

I have no idea how I'm going to explain any of these changes to her...she'll be as flabbergasted as my teachers were. It's in a week, so there's time to ready a few words, but... how am I supposed to bring up UCLA? How am I supposed to explain the secret jobs, or the new clothes, or the fact that I'm in almost all AP now?

I honestly have no idea.


End file.
